All this reflection… all these thoughts pouring out of me and onto the page, what are they for? What is all of this about and why do I care enough to express them?
I’m looking for answers. This is me chipping away at the stone to find what shape lies beneath. In life, the answers are rarely provided. We have to set out and find them ourselves. We have to strap on our boots and set out into the complex and complicated and contradictory internal landscape of our souls in an attempt to discover what we’re missing. No one is going to do it for us. If they do, what good would it be for our own journey?
So I’m moving down a path that I hope will lead toward answers for the questions that keep me up at night. Nothing is neatly tied up and organized or ready for consumption. I’m not sure that I’d want it to be, even if it meant no more hurting or sorrow. My will to live right now is found in the knowledge that answers to all of these brutal questions are out there, and I am determined to discover them, tuck them away, and continually learn from them. Misplaced as that will to live may be, at least I’m honest with where I am. And maybe in time, with more answers in my pocket, my will to live will quietly shift to its rightful place. Whatever that is. Another question needing a remedy.
When we’re kids, we ask questions about everything. “Why?” being the most dominant. Why do I have to brush my teeth? Why take a nap? Why pick up my room? And as we get older, answers filling into those blanks and forming more clearly the world we exist in, we continue to ask why, but quietly and to ourselves as we lay in bed at night. The why’s become more painful while the answers grow less prolific. Why did my parents get divorced? Why did I get fired from a job I excelled at? Why did I hurt my best friend so deeply?
Though I find the more taunting question has been the “for what purpose” one. Or the “will this actually create something good”. I think we’re programmed to suffer through any kind of trial so long as we have the answer to one of those. If we can see the purpose, if we can connect the wounds to something worth-while and beautiful then we can sit content in our dark corner until the promised light arrives. The trouble is, we don’t often see the potential until we’re well past the trial. And for those of us susceptible to that dark whisper, that may be too late.
But we keep digging. We keep lunging out into the unknown to find what we don’t know, to still our hearts and quiet our minds so we can carry on our existence. Keep searching. Don’t shy away in fear with every new question that eats away at you. Set out to free the answers from your mind. Set out to find them, to carve away until the light shines through. But be patient. The truth rarely appears when we think it should.