Life cannot be only pain and struggle… though often that’s all we see. One trial after another, wave upon wave pounding down on us until we’re sucking in water hoping it’s air. Hard to focus on anything else. But that’s not living.
I find it difficult to focus right now. My mind ratchets from one struggle to another, all of which ache my very soul. And one question continues to pick at my brain… How can I get past this? Followed quickly by the ever painful question… why am I like this?
My life this year has been wave after wave. Everything I touch seems to decay before my eyes. These hands, the very hands that I write with now, I’ve grown to hate in the midst of all the loss. I look in the mirror, hollow tired eyes staring back, and cry. I didn’t think there were more tears in there. Thought I’d emptied them by now. I look in the mirror and only see poison. I am poison to everything I love. It’s a wonder my dog still loves me.
Boyfriend, job, community, mentor, best friend… they all mattered. They all still matter. But alone I sit now, in this hall of that which once brought joy to my heart. It is now a mausoleum. A cold, drafty tomb for the memory of things I swore to protect and serve and love. Why must things fall apart?
I say all of this as though I don’t know what happened, as though I am the victim. But I did this. My right hand attempted to foster good and healthy things, while my left hand methodically unraveled everything… the culprit of overthinking and self-fulfilling prophecy. I have done this to myself. And thus the question smashes back into me… why am I like this?
One trial after another like hundred foot waves plunging us deeper and deeper. We want to emerge above the surface for air, yet we hold so tightly to the anchor of our past. The only way to avoid drowning is to let it go, and even that’s not a guarantee. Even if we succeed in releasing our hands from the chain, we may still be crushed by more waves. We may still end up strewn across the rocks or caught in a hurricane.