I write because there are things inside of me that need to get out. Deep down the processing lays dormant, awaiting the synapsis of my heart and mind through my fingertips. Occasionally I know what needs to get out. But usually what I think I need to write about is just the surface, and what lies beneath is far more important. It’s vital to my soul to release that which is dormant. Without the controlled liberation of thoughts and feelings from within, I grow more burdened with confusion. Truth hides in the crevasses left behind by confusion’s quake… trapped in darkness, hopeful and waiting for illumination.
And so, I write.
“Trust the process” they say. But the only thing I trust is the never-ending flow of struggle in this life.
“Struggle builds perseverance” I’m told. But how can I learn to carry-on if I’m not even able to breath?
When you’re buried beneath the weight of life’s pain and your own mistakes and the hurt you’ve caused those you love, how do you pick your head up enough to trust, to persevere, to breath?
I don’t have the answer to that. Instead, my mind tells me terrible things… fills my heart with shadow… whispers questions in my ears that leave me more defeated than before.
“There’s only one option” the shadow repeats as it has for centuries into the souls whose minds are their worst enemy. “It would be easier for everyone.”
“Painful at first though…” I try to reason.
“Yeah but you’ll bring more pain to people you love by continuing to struggle through your existence. You’ll keep dragging them down with you.”
“Maybe… Do you think they’ll miss me? Won’t this cause more harm than good?”
“At first, but in time they’ll be free of you.”
“I’m just tired of hurting…”
That’s my motivation. I’m tired of hurting… tired of continually causing harm to the people I love and value and who bring light to my life. The shadow makes a lot of sense.
I don’t know if I’m too weak, or too selfish, or guarded by an outside force, but something holds me back from following through… and I breath on. Life continues.
Life means opportunity… but sometimes I can’t tell if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.
(inhale… exhale…) ‘suppose this is what needed to get out today.